Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
We named our party play list daddy issues
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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