So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
