Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
