I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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