I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We're too hungover to prance.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize