My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
