I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
