I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
