This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize