Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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