She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
