There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
