Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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