11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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