I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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