I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
