cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just want to make out with him forever
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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