Yo dont text me then not text me
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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