I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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