cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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