Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
