I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
