remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
