you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
