I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
