i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
pop tarts are not kleenex
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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