Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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