I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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