I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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