I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
