Please, let me fuck your mom
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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