Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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