ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
