i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
