Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He shit in the fireplace
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
