I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
