i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
