i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
