I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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