I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
