she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Barsexuality is the new black.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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