I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
