I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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