Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
