When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
