Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
