i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
whose ass print is on the piano?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
