and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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