I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
