Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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