Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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