You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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