we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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