K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize