M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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